coming out of the dark

Sunday morning, 5 a.m.  I'm awakened by a pounding, throbbing pain in my head, and my whole body is resisting gravity by contorting into funny positions, some which alleviate the pressure in my head and others which stretch my tummy in a weird way.

I think, if I can just go back to sleep, the pain will subside.  I just haven't gotten enough sleep.

Just over two hours later, after tossing and turning and no real "sleep" I am awakened by my alarm, the one that says, "lead worship 8:30."  I'm reminded that I HAVE to get up, I HAVE to go to church.  People are counting on me.  We rehearsed and everything.  My piano hymn is the offeratory, and I HAVE to be there.

After crying my way through a painful shower, and having to sit on the closed toilet lid to blowdry my hair, I finally blubber "I can't.  I can't do this!"  And other evil thoughts creep their way in.  I remember asking my sweet husband, "how can I take care of a baby when I'm like this?!"

I send the necessary text message, with as much "sorry!" as I could muster, and fall back into the bed.  I can't take anything, even the permitted Tylenol, because I haven't eaten, and I know I'll just return it promptly.  So I just lay on the bed, hair not 100% dry, and attempt to sleep.

Tim brings me a Phenergan.  Promethazine.  Whatever.  As I'm feeling the comforting effects of the medication, I'm plagued with thoughts and fears of how this will affect the baby.  Is it "really" okay to take right now?  Ohhhh, how I long for my Imitrex.  But that is definitely on the "not safe" list.  Tim goes to church, with my blessing.  There's a guy who might show up for the first time today, and it's very important for Tim to be there to greet him if he comes.

Around noon, Tim calls to see if I'm hungry.  Guilt-ridden, since it is pouring rain outside, I ask for mashed potatoes from KFC.

When he brings them to me in bed, I actually spill some on the bed because I'm trying to eat too fast.  I'm starving.  I feel like I'm starving my baby to death.  We are both very hungry.  Then I ask for pears.  Sweet husband obliges.  Spill some of that juice, too, only because I'm trying to sit up.  I take a Tylenol.

What day is it?

We argue about home group - I don't want people at the house.  It doesn't matter which room the kids are told to play in; the noise, the busy-ness, ugh.  I beg him to move home group somewhere else.  So he makes the call.

I sleep and sleep and sleep some more.  Some weird dreams, but mostly just sleep - not peaceful, but it'll do.  At some point in the afternoon, I call Walgreens and ask the pharmacist a bunch of medicine questions.

Nightfall rolls around.  7:45.  Tim is gone - he's the leader of home group tonight.  I feel a little better!  So I heat up some leftover spaghetti, eat a couple of cookies, and decide it's been a productive migraine evening.  Head begins to pound again so I decide to use one more phenergan.  The pharmacist said to wait 8 hours between.  8:15 a.m. to 8:30, that's 8 hours exactly!  No, wait, that's 12.  Ok, we're good.

Back to bed...

Not sure when he came home or what I said.

Then I wake up, next morning, pain pain PAIN.  Seriously??  I still have a migraine?  Monday is a blur.  Mostly in bed, frustrating calls to a nurse who likes to read math problems to me off a sheet of paper.  I said, "I took Tylenol at 11:30, then again at 12:30.  It helped, so when can I take the next one?"  After telling her twice that they are the 500 mg, she says I can take the next two at 6:30.  I didn't want to take two at a time.  At this point, I realize that yelling profanities at the nurse won't help my head, so I resist.  But seriously.  It's like talking to a robot.

Today, I wake up frightened, that the pain I'm feeling is the start of Day 3.  I lay in bed as long as I can, but I'm rested.  Does it hurt?  I really don't know.  Is my head throbbing now or just remembering?

Time change, shmange.  I finally get up around 9:00, (which should feel like 8) and to my wonderful surprise, no pain!  As the day goes on, the right side of my head is trying to start throbbing.  But I've had my caffeine, my oatmeal, my quiet time, and I'm focusing on positive thoughts.

Migraine while pregnant is much more difficult than they used to be.  I want to protect my baby.  But the pain gets so bad.  Praying I don't have any more migraines - but looking to God to assuage my fears and handle the "big stuff" and I'll just do what I can, when I can.