19since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
Ok. So I'm supposed to understand God? I want to, I really really do. I tell him this all the time. But this, this mess.... this painful, wrong, unncecessary, mess that's happening in my life right now... this does not match.
I guess God wants me to remember that He is God, and He is who He is regardless of any circumstances that may happen; that these wordly things are of the world, and that pain will come and misery will abound, but He is good and He is real, and some day we can live with Him in Heaven and all of this will be like a dream.
But I still want different circumstances. I want perfectly-formed babies to grow for 9 months in their mothers' wombs before joining us here. I want my brother to recognize his Creator and bow down and worship Him, like he was created to do, so that he may find his joy again. And I want restoration in my relationship with my very best friend. I feel like I have this big hole in my life - a hole that can never be filled by another human, man or woman. I know God is enough, and He has been filling me, but I have not changed, my desires have not changed, my love has not changed, and I am miserable. I miss him. I miss him so much.
I'm just trying to find joy in Jesus and make the most of each day because I don't know what God wants to do with me now.
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